DVD Review: Creepshow (1982) PDF Print E-mail
Written by Mystery Date   
Saturday, 10 September 2011 11:59

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(Ed. Note: Another great review by "Mystery Date". I must say with every review, I learn more and more about why MD is who he is today. And, it only scares me just a little...)

 

My sister took me to see this movie at a midnight Halloween showing when I was 9 (!).  It’s stuck with me since, although I haven’t seen it in 20 years.  It consists of five short stories written in the theme of horror comics from the 50’s, bookended by a story of a kid whose father throws away his comics.  The kid impressed me as perhaps the worst child actor of all time in the 90 seconds of screen time he has.

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My own Hulk doll has watched me have sex.  Once with a partner!

We begin with “Father’s Day”, about a woman who kills her abusive father with an ashtray on Father’s Day.  It’s important to note that the father was roughly 184 years old, and—it’s even more important to note—the family still uses the ashtray.

 

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This was exactly how my second grade teacher showed up in the morning, if this lady were drunk.

 The daughter Bedelia comes back every year to celebrate the death, and this time the corpse comes back to get his Father’s Day cake.  He proceeds to kill everyone in the house, including, wait, is that?

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Dear God, it’s Ed Harris making fuck eyes...

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At the trampy 80s chick that is destined to ruin my marriage.

Next we have “The Lonely Death of Jordy Verrill” starring Stephen King (who also wrote the movie).  A meteor lands on the property of gorgeous farmer Jordy Verrill, who immediately thinks to sell it to the nearby college.

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You’re damn straight there’s a Dept. of Meteors.

There’s a plant/fungus that starts to grow on Jordy where he touched the meteor, and water makes it grow faster.  Soon his house looks suspiciously like the shower in a Ball State dorm.  Jordy ends up as some sort of plant/human hybrid before eating a shotgun, so all in all it’s a feel-good tale.

“Something to Tide You Over” is a tale of betrayal & revenge & Leslie Neilson in a tracksuit.  Ted Danson is screwing Leslie’s wife, and unfortunately our Frank Drebin is a lunatic (although he does use the phrase “knight in shining corduroy”, which I loved).  He has Ted bury himself up to the neck in sand and challenges him to hold his breath through the tides.

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Ted Danson as some sort of prison ATM machine.

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The aforementioned tracksuit, with bonus Buddha.  This is minutes before
his victims (back from the dead, of course) bury him in the sand as well.

 

In “The Crate” Hal Holbrook is a husband completely emasculated by wife Adrienne Barbeau (I don’t think she’d do this to Swamp Thing).  When a crate is discovered at his college with a man-eating creature inside, he immediately thinks of it as a way to kill her.  I have to say, by the time the monster eats her, you’re rooting for it.  (Ed. Note: But in the 80s, who didn't want to eat Adrienne Barbeau?)

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We don’t know where his left hand is.

E.G. Marshall is an outright evil bastard obsessed with germs in the last segment, “They’re Creeping Up On You”.  The movie goes to some lengths to paint him as a heartless old man, and he lives a Howard Hughes-esque existence in a germ free penthouse.

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I would kill for this head of hair

Cockroaches slowly start to invade his apartment (I’ll spare you the screenshots), and apparently having four fake cockroaches on you is fatal.  

We wrap up with the kid from the beginning jabbing a needle into a voodoo doll of his father.

 

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This kid was the creepiest part of the movie.

But those voodoo dolls never worked!  And neither did the X-Ray specs!  And you know what else, kids can’t join the circus, but you don’t find that out until you’re 200 miles from home dressed like a clown and they just crush your dreams and this is why I drink!

  

Last Updated on Saturday, 10 September 2011 22:17
 

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